Financial Coaching: Are You Ready for “Different” Because Your “Normal” Isn’t Working?

Financial Coaching 2


Americans are drowning in debt with 4 out of 5 families essentially living paycheck to paycheck. Many people who approach me for financial coaching are losing sleep worrying how they will make next month’s payments and are exhausted from stressing about the impact of a potential job loss. Are you like most Americans who can say “that’s me” to one or more of these statements?

  • Worrying you’re 1 or 2 paychecks away from missing payments on a mortgage, minimums on credit cards, auto payments, or student loans
  • Losing sleep over a possible job loss because you have no emergency fund to cover expenses
  • Stressing on how you’re going to send your child to college
  • Paying late on bills due
  • Juggling money around to keep one step ahead of the next payment
  • Asking family and friends for loans
  • Defaulting on your promise to pay back on loans from friends and family
  • Thinking that bankruptcy may be the way out of your financial mess
  • Worrying about whether you’ll have enough to live on in retirement
  • Borrowing against your 401K to pay your bills
  • Wishing you had money to tithe or give something to those in need

I’m anxious thinking about anyone’s life filled with these worries. The ultimate question is whether you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired and ready to slay your debt. Are you ready to change your financial habits and create a plan that makes life work for you and your family? Do you want to gift a financial legacy in how to steward money well so your children can carry it forward?

As a premarital and marriage coach, expanding my portfolio of services to include financial coaching was a natural outcome to address the issues that I see plaguing most relationships. One person in a serious dating relationship questions whether he or she wants to take on the huge student loan debt of the other. Spouses are arguing daily on spending habits. Marriages are torn apart by the stress of debt.

It’s never too late to take control of your finances. Is it time for you to get weird with money, because normal isn’t working? Financial coaching can help ease your pain. Although there aren’t any easy fixes, hundreds of thousands American families have conquered their debt, built wealth, and are now able to give generously. Many years of poor financial decisions may have gotten you to your current position or perhaps a medical crisis. It will take time to work through your debt. How fast will be determined by the sacrifices you’re willing to make. Ask me how financial coaching can help you.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership, premarital/marriage, and financial coaching. She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops. She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

My Tribute to Fatherhood

It’s easy for me to write a tribute to motherhood, because I feel blessed to be both a daughter and mother and have strong relationships with both. A tribute to fatherhood feels more mental rather than heartfelt, perhaps because of my hot/cold relationships with men, who have been fathers and husbands in my life. I believe fatherhood gets second billing over mothers, because most mothers pick up the slack when fathers falter, but the reverse is not as common. This phenomenon has been true in my life.

My parents divorced when I was six, and my father chose to disappear. My mother became both mom and dad. When I was 12, my mother entered into a long-term relationship with a man whom I lovingly called my step-dad.

I married at 30, and we had a daughter together. Our relationship was tumultuous from the beginning, and I filed for divorce after 15 years. After dating for 5 years, I married my current husband who is truly a “mini-me”.  You could say the second time around with fathers and husbands was much sweeter and ended well after a rough start.

My step-dad passed several years ago, and my now husband found my biological father. Deciding I wanted to meet him, a few short months ago, we flew to Boston to have dinner with him and his girlfriend of 35 years. My bio father was not interested in discussing the past, asking for forgiveness, or making amends. He only wanted to focus on the future—a future where I would personally have to take the initiative.

My first husband suffered from personal demons that made it difficult for him to trust women and that’s just the start on the underlying issues that plagued my marriage. I believe that we all have to live with the suffering of our poor choices, but it pains me to know that my choice in a husband was also a decision on the father that I was going to give my daughter. Needless to say, my daughter doesn’t have a fairytale relationship with her father but that would be her story to tell.

My story continues to be written with my second husband who is the partner God brought into my life. Not only does he represent what it means to be a husband but also a father. He loves me and my daughter. Although my daughter was 17 when she met him, he is like the step-dad to her that I had. She indeed sees how a man is to treat a woman.

I feel blessed to have my Darin as both a husband and a father to my daughter. Fathers serve an important role in their children’s lives at any age. They show daughters how a man should treat them, show boys what it means to be a man, and models to both what a healthy and loving marriage looks like. Here’s to all the great fathers who take their roles seriously, and a special tribute to those men who voluntarily step into the role of father when they see a gap that needs to be filled. Happy Father’s Day to the men who sacrifice every day of the year for their families. Your gift of fatherhood is immeasurable.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

Why Some Wives Dominate and Their Husbands Submit


(Part 2 of a 2-Part Series)


Happy-Married-Couple


Relationships are complicated, and marriages can feel like a mystery that’s difficult to solve. Both husbands and wives can behave in ways that unintentionally undermine their marriages. The first part of this series examined what wives needed from their husbands, why husbands fail to lead, and why then wives take on the primary leadership role. This second part explores why women pick submissive men and why certain men choose dominant women.

Why Some Women Pick Passive Husbands

In some cases, women have a dominant personality that is reflected in all her relationships including her marriage. Picking a submissive husband allows a wife to continue acting comfortably on her natural tendencies. Unfortunately, what at first appears as a mutually agreed upon distribution of control ends up with the women disrespecting her man, because a wife has difficulty respecting a husband whom she can control.

A women’s dominate nature within the marriage can also be modeled from childhood. A wife, whose mother wore “the pants” in the family, at least subtly internalized that the wife leads the family. As is more frequent during these times of divorce, a girl who was raised in a single working mom home is likely conditioned to be the head of household and bring those expectations into her own marriage.

Some women have a fear of being controlled. If a wife experienced trauma or abuse as a child and makes a vow to never be in that type of relationship, she is likely to pick a passive husband whom she can control.  Her fear of being controlled manifests in her being the controller.

Why Men Sometimes Pick Dominant Women

In my premarital and marriage coaching practice, I encounter couples where the husband’s passivity in the relationship causes stress with his wife. Similar to the dominant wife, a passive husband may naturally have a passive personality preference or this behavior could have been mis-modeled by his parents.

However, one of the more common reasons why men fail to lead is because they don’t know how. They haven’t practiced it. Their parents over-nurtured them, and these sons are just continuing these submissive behaviors into their marriages. In some ways, these men were dominated by their parents—not allowed to grow in their responsibilities and express themselves without parental influence. Submissive men were likely not allowed to make decisions and live with the consequences. Likely they were rescued when outcomes weren’t favorable.

When boys reach adulthood without adequate leadership experiences and training, they typically gravitate toward living out childhood behaviors as opposed to taking on adult roles. These non-leadership behaviors are more comfortable.

Change Your Marriage by Meeting Your Husband’s Needs

If you’re a dominant wife married to a passive husband, you can change the dynamics of your marriage. Your marriage is under your control. Evans (2012) suggests that wives allow their husbands to fail. Failure is part of the learning process. In response, pray for him and treat him better than he deserves. Praise him for trying. A husband will rise to a women’s level of praise and honor.

As leadership is rebalanced within the marriage, husbands and wives can then focus on meeting each other’s primary marriage needs. Most men have a need for sex and recreational companionship. They want to be buddies with their wife. On the other hand, wives value affection and intimate conversation from their husband. Both spouses need to strive in meeting each other’s needs to create a purposeful and spiritually led marriage.

Reference

Evans, J. (2012) Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage. Dallas, TX: MarriageToday


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching. She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops. She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

Marriage is Like an Iceberg

Sandra Dillon: May 15, 2018


iceberg


I’ve often heard people say, “I wish I had a marriage like so-and-so’s.” What they really mean is that they want what appears to the marriage of the other couple. They fail to realize that marriage is like an iceberg—only 10-20% of it floats above the surface with 80-90% of it living hidden from view. What a married couple shows to the world about their marriage is usually just a small percentage of the relationship, and it’s usually the “good” stuff.

As a marriage coach I’ve seen both—great marriages that are consistent both inside and outside the home and those which appear ideal to the world and are “hot messes” at home. What are the differences between good marriages and ones that need improvement? What needs to reside beneath the surface for a truly successful marriage? In my practice, I find thriving marriages usually have one or both spouses intentionally adopting more of the “successful” attitudes and behaviors and shedding the “struggling” ones.

Successful Marriages Have… Struggling Marriages Have…
Self-sacrifice Selfishness
Optimism Negativity
Gratitude Ungratefulness
Shared core values Opposing core values
Trust Distrust
Vision and mission Lack of vision and purpose
Meeting spouse’s needs Ignoring spouse’s needs
Vulnerable Closed off
Shared goals Competing goals

If you’re married or engaged, I encourage you to review the list of “marriage haves” and rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 on how well you stand today on the “successful” side. Then take one small step by selecting 2 or 3 of these behaviors and attitudes to work on. Get specific on what this change would look like in action, so you can measure improvement.

I hope you won’t be envious of other marriages and focus only on your own. Refrain from comparing your marriage to others, just get to work on yours. You don’t need one more vacation, a new job, or more money to have a better marriage. You only need you, the right attitude, and the right behaviors.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

My Tribute to Motherhood

Sandra Dillon: May 14, 2018


I’m blessed to be both a daughter and mother, and hopefully, when the time is right a grandmother. Sandwiched between two great women—my mom and daughter—I love these two awesome women who are alike as they are different from me. We are connected by our similarities and at the same time wonderfully unique. Regardless whether we agree or would make the same life choices, I can honestly say that they are both my heroes.

My mom was my first hero, although I didn’t identified her as such until I was myself a young adult. The significance of her sacrifices made during my first 18 years of life where magnified when you consider that my father left our family when I was 6 years old. In 1967, my mom was left to take full responsibility for my brother and me. Although it was only 50 years ago, divorce had a stigma and women were still considered property in some states.

Without practical skills, a college education, and receiving only sporadic child support, my mother did everything possible to keep us safe and off welfare. When most single working moms were Democrats, my mother was a Republican, who believed everyone had a personal responsibility to provide for themselves and their family. She instilled the values which led my brother to become a reputable home builder and myself to be an engineer, business woman, and now leadership coach.

Every day I am in awe of the world my mom had to navigate with two small children. I appreciate every opportunity she gave me and how she supported me even during difficult times. She always believed in me when at times I wasn’t sure of myself. My mom is an incredibly strong woman who gets tough when the tough gets going. She’s a survivor, hard worker, creator, and problem-solver. I may not choose the bold colors and bling that my mother fashionably wears around town, and she may not have my technically sharp mind, but we share a zest for life, an incredibly strong work ethic, and a never give up attitude.

These enduring qualities have been passed down to my daughter, my second hero, although she has created a life that is different and very much her own. She has a love for animals that sometimes rivals her love of people. When I asked her at 6 years old what she wanted to be when she grew up, she unwaveringly replied she wanted to be a seal trainer and have 10 dogs, 10 cats, and 10 kids. At 23 years old, she is a certified vet tech, board member of a dog rescue, cross country pet transporter, has 1 cat and 4 dogs, and fosters at least 3 additional dogs. Kids? I’m not convinced I’ll be a grandmother, but I’m certain she’ll have at least 10 acres of land in Colorado for those 10 dogs, 10 cats, and 10 fosters. And if not, she’ll have you believing you need to with her creative and compelling storytelling.

Her heart is huge for those who can’t do for themselves and has little patience for those who choose otherwise. She’s one of the most self-sacrificing women I know and will go without if it means saving one more homeless pet. Her work ethnic inspires me, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by those she works and serves alongside. I’m proud to call her my daughter.

My mother, daughter, and I are connected by blood, a shared bond of ethics, and the belief that anything worth doing requires our best efforts. We are spread across the country in Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Texas, and it seems like forever since we shared time together. Although this Mother’s Day we will celebrate our relationship quietly in our own state, we will have our tribute to motherhood later this year when we spend a week together with no agenda other than to celebrate each other.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

Failure Is a Must for a Good Life Story

Sandra Dillon: May 13, 2018


Story to tell 1We should all have at least one great story to tell, and it is the story of our life. And if we want to make ours worth a read, it must have certain elements.

A good story has a theme that helps the reader learn something about his own life through the penned words of the writer. All memorable stories have a character that struggles with internal feelings or needs or a conflict which may or may not be a result of his own doing. The important part of the plot is the character must win or lose at least partially by his own initiative and choices as opposed to being rescued.

Why am I sharing the structure of a great story? Because we’ve entered a time when failure isn’t a socially acceptable option, and parents will go to great lengths with their time, money, and excuses to ensure their children don’t fail. In my opinion, these parents are robbing their children of a full life—experiences of personal growth and the telling of a good life story.

To ensure we’re talking the same language, let’s define failure. Failure can be driving hard for something never achieved or never working hard enough to achieve anything of personal significance. Failure can be not having the right priorities and living with the outcome. In the worse scenarios, failure can mean choosing selfish behaviors that result in harm to others. You may have other definitions, but these capture some common ones.

Who doesn’t like a good story where somebody struggles and overcomes failure or a series of failures? I don’t know one good story where someone has been rescued when he should have rescued himself. Parents should allow their children to (1) live with the consequences of their choices and (2) live their own life and not the plan parents dream for their children.

My encouragement to parents is to suspend any helicoptering parenting that clears obstacles in the path of their children or rescues them from their poor choices. Instead, pray for your children as you let them fail while they figure out life, and with faith you will likely see them flourish as they learn first-hand from their mistakes. Perhaps their story will be so compelling, it will find its way onto the New York Times best selling non-fiction list.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

The Best of the 2018 XO Marriage Tour

Sandra Dillon: April 26, 2018


Love MarriageWhen did you last spend a day investing in your marriage? MarriageToday made it easy when it brought the XO Marriage Tour to Houston. If you didn’t attend, below are some key messages gleaned from marriage speakers Jimmy Evans, Dave and Ashley Willis, and Garrett and Andrea Booth:

  • Although God can only fulfill our most basic human needs for identity and purpose, marriage only works when spouses serve each other by trying to meet each other’s relationship needs.
  • Men look to their wives to fulfill their top needs of honor/respect, sex, friendship, and home support. Wives typically need their husbands to provide security (physical and financial), non-sexual touching, open/honest communication, and leadership.
  • Pride and partner domination typically interfere with a servant spirit and reflect a lack of respect. Spouses who dominate their partner don’t respect their better half, and vice versa. Dominant spouses need to stand down more and dominated spouses need to assert themselves. Why change? The health of children is at stake. The least mentally and emotionally healthy children are raised in female-dominated homes followed by male-dominated. The best marriages reflect loving leadership expressed in equal partnership with the husband getting an extra 1% when the situation warrants.
  • Spouse should refrain from criticizing their personality differences but instead celebrate how they expand their capabilities and influence. When differences require resolution, spouses must feel safe in the relationship to express their views without paying a price.
  • Over 85% of marriages end in divorce based on non-serious reasons such as disappointment in how spouses “feel” about the other. Emotions can feel right but be wrong. Spouses who make decisions independent of their emotions usually have the most satisfying marriages.
  • In marriage, two become one. Therefore, spouses should be naked (vulnerable) with each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
  • Some marriages experience the F5 Marriage Tornado which starts with (1) frustration and escalates to (2) false assumptions, (3) fighting, (4) fatigue, and eventually (5) fantasizing. These steps lead to a feeling of hopelessness about the marriage.
  • The F5 Marriage Peace Plan is the strategic tool to battle the F5 Marriage Tornado. The plan starts with a couple sitting in (1) frustration, but who take intentional steps toward (2) forgiveness, (3) fixing thoughts on the positive, (4) focusing on God’s promises, and finally culminating with (5) finding peace.
  • Spouses should ask themselves whether they are a thermometer or thermostat in their marriage. Are they measuring the temperature of their marriage or controlling the output? Spouses should strive to be a thermostat.
  • The best marriages build something together and thrive under a marriage vision. A vision answers the question of why God put a husband and wife together. When spouses have a marriage vision, they (1) share goals and know where they’re going, (2) share the effort, (3) make decisions easier, (4) share successes, and (5) realize God’s blessing and provision. Marriage visions may adjust with major life events such as a change in health, jobs, and children’s life stages.
  • The key steps in undertaking a marriage vision is to get prepared, get away, and get real with each other. Definite signs that spouses need a vision are (1) marriage conflict, (2) feeling disconnected from each other, and (3) unresolved financial pressures.

There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, but you can certainly achieve a happy, harmonious, and purposeful marriage. I hope that you are living out many of these concepts. If not, ask me how I can help get you started on the journey toward a more fulfilling marriage.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching. She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops. She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves. You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com 

 

Are You a Wife Who Unintentionally Undermines Her Marriage?

Part 1 of a 2-Part Series


Sandra Dillon: April 20, 2018


If you’re a wife, I applaud you for reading past the title. It’s difficult for any woman to believe she is undermining her marriage, even if unintentionally. In fact, a spouse is likely to name the other as the major contributor to any discontent in the marriage. What is the truth? Spouses influence each other by what they do and how they react to one another—they are both responsible and accountable.

As described in Marriage: Why Some Husbands Fail to Lead, some men unknowingly sabotage their marriages by failing to lead. A woman has a deep-felt need to be led by an honorable husband who is meeting her needs, and yet marriage is not a one-way street of getting and not giving. Regardless of a husband’s behaviors, a wife also contributes to the success of the marriage by her decisions and behaviors. Read on if you’re a woman who wants to:

  • Learn how wives become injurious to their marriages
  • Determine whether you are behaving destructively
  • Understand why you might choose damaging behaviors
  • Change your marriage by meeting your husband’s needs

Why Women Are Unhappy in Their Marriages

Men are struggling with leadership, which is putting pressure on women to take on more responsibility. Although many women derive personal reward and satisfaction from their jobs and careers, many wives and mothers would prefer not to have the additional burden of bringing home a paycheck. They want working-outside-the-home to be an option which they can rightly prioritize after wife and mother.

I encounter women who are run ragged as they are take on the combined responsibilities of childcare, home care, and a full-time job to make ends meet or perhaps because their husband is un- or under-employed. In a worst-case scenario, some husbands have given up on work and forced their wives into the role of bread winner.

Evans (2012) says women have a natural desire to be provided for by their husbands. Most women resent being forced to make money or lead their household when they have a husband. When wives are not led well, it takes a significant toll on the family. Women, whether they realize or admit it, are usually frustrated and angry for having to take on the male leadership role.

Why Husbands Fail to Lead Their Wives

More men are abandoning their leadership role. Many don’t know what true leadership looks like, because it was never modeled by their fathers who were weren’t skilled at leadership or absent from the home. Therefore, we have a society of women behaving like male leaders of their families and propagating the de-masculinity of their husbands.

My intention is not to beat up husbands and wives but to bring awareness to the dynamics that are likely playing out. Before sustainable change can occur, spouses must understand what they are battling.

What do Wives Need from Their Husbands?

You’ve probably heard that women are complex and men are simple. I would argue that women are also easy to understand, if a husband can accept his wife’s needs are quite different than his. What do women in general need from their husbands? First, and foremost, Evans (2012) states women want (1) security, (2) affection, (3) open communication, and (4) leadership. What is the most common compliant expressed in marriage counseling? Lack of leadership.

Are You an Undermining Wife?

When women take on leadership roles that husbands are designed to fulfill, they unknowingly start a downward emotional spiral in their marriage. The more women take on, the more husbands let them, and eventually the angrier wives become for having to take on more.  The cycle continues until many spouses are sleeping in separate bedrooms or divorcing. Wives need to understand that they can’t do for their husband what their husband needs to do for their families. By taking on their husband’s leadership role, it only serves to weaken their men. Essentially, women are self-sabotaging their own marriages out of fear of failure.

Are you unintentionally undermining your marriage? Answer the following questions to find out whether reverse leadership may be wreaking havoc in your marriage. If you find yourself hesitating with a firm answer, you may be on the slippery side toward what you don’t want to admit is true in your marriage.

  1. Do you find yourself arguing for control over things going on in your home?
  2. Do you worry that your husband or children will fail?
  3. Do you use frequency of sex to control your husband’s behavior?
  4. Do you refuse sex to get back at your husband for not meeting your needs?
  5. Do you find yourself the only spouse worrying about money or a significant family issue?
  6. Do you sometimes find yourself sneaking behind your husband’s back to do what you think is best because your husband wouldn’t agree?
  7. Do you placate your husband by saying you will do something when you have no intention of carrying through with it?
  8. Do you resent your husband for not working harder or providing more financially?
  9. Do you resent your husband for not contributing more to the household and childcare?
  10. Do you resent having to work outside the home?
  11. Do you wish you could stay home and raise your kids versus feeling pressured to work?
  12. Are you disappointed with how your husband interacts, or lack thereof, with your children?
  13. Do you correct your husband in front of your children?
  14. Do you criticize your husband in front of family and friends?
  15. Do you wish you husband would plan some date nights or family outings, so you didn’t have to?

If you answered “yes” to more than half of these questions, I would pause and reflect on what behaviors you led with that eventually had your husband withdraw from his leadership responsibilities.

Next Steps

When marriage leadership is out of balance, spouses respond with coping strategies, yet over the long-term come to resent their spouse’s behaviors. In many cases, the balance leans toward women becoming more dominant and husbands more passive. Husbands usually claim they get little respect from their wife, and her compliant is that she feels like she has an adult child to take care of. Does this ring true in your marriage?  If so, stay tuned for the next part in the series that discusses why some women choose passive men and why passive men choose dominating wives.

Reference

Evans, J. (2012) Marriage on the Rock: God’s Design for Your Dream Marriage. Dallas, TX: MarriageToday


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and premarital/marriage coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves.  You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com.

How Can I Get That Loving Feeling Back?

Sandra The Peoples Coach Rev 1

Client Question

I’ve only been married for 2 years and feel like I’m falling out of love with my husband. We don’t have major disagreements, but his personal habits are really annoying me.  I like to plan things in advance while he leaves everything to the last minute. He wants to go out all the time when I want some quiet evenings at home with just the two of us. Do you have any advice on what we can do, so I don’t fall further out of love with my husband?

Sandra’s Response

The feelings you describe are not uncommon in the early years of marriage. When dating, it is true, opposites attract! When the “love” chemicals fade sometime between 6 months and 3 years, the differences in your personalities become more noticeable and can become annoying.

If you want to change the course of where your feelings are headed, you’ll have to change your mindset which includes how you view these differences and define “love.” Many people associate love with feelings, but I would challenge you to think of love as a verb. Love is a choice in how you will act toward and respond to your husband.

Can you think of your husband’s habits as potential strengths to your relationship? As an example, without your husband’s push to get you out of the house, you might find yourself ignoring friends and missing out on new, fun experiences. Leaving decisions for later rather than sooner may lead to better results as more information becomes available.

Although you still need to share your needs and find compromise, viewing your husband’s habits as strengthens may help you have stronger positive feelings for him and your marriage. Consider dividing and assigning responsibilities that naturally suit each other’s strengths.

Anything worth having takes hard work, and marriage is no exception. A great marriage requires spouses to show vulnerability, ask for what they need, and compromise. Staying “in love” requires sacrifice and appreciating the differences that each brings to the marriage.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and life coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves. You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com. If you’d like to engage Sandra as your coach or ask a question, you can send a message to shinecrossings@gmail.com

How Fast Can Marriage Trust Be Rebuilt?

Sandra The Peoples Coach Rev 1

Client Question

My husband is putting pressure on me to trust him again, because this time he says he’s really changed. He’s only had 3 months of “good” behavior and doesn’t understand why I don’t yet trust him.  Am I being unreasonable or too cautious?

Sandra’s Response

We’re all fallible and wrestle with temptations that can lead us down a path of bad behavior to satisfy immediate pleasure. Some behaviors are one-time events while others develop into destructive patterns. Regardless of their frequency, when a man has a heart-change and begins to demonstrate trustworthy behaviors, he naturally wants family and friends to respond as if the past is the past. He wants the status that he hasn’t quite earned.

Your husband needs to understand that trust is only built over time with the right and consistent behaviors that garner trust. In my experience working with couples, the rule of thumb is it will take as long to rebuild trust as it took to destroy it.  For example, if a husband has been cheating for 2 years, it will take him at least 2 years of honorable behavior to earn trust back.

I don’t think you have unreasonable expectations based on your husband’s long history of implied prior behavior. Your husband should have more patience. If he’s truly committed to change, time will be his friend as you afford him the opportunity to rebuild your lost trust.


About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach with an extensive background in leadership and life coaching.  She coaches individuals and couples as well as designs and facilitates workshops.  She has a passion to help people be the best versions of themselves. You can learn more about Sandra by visiting her website at www.shinecrossingsministry.com. If you would like to engage Sandra as your coach or ask a question, you can send her a message to shinecrossings@gmail.com