Today’s marriages are more complicated than ever before. A half century ago, the American marriage was simpler in its expectations and roles. It was a male-female union to which the overwhelming majority of adults committed. Divorce was not a chosen option, because it was penalized with societal ostracism. Young adults would routinely marry their high school sweethearts, or those who were university bound would marry their college steady. Marriage was the assumed relationship institution which led to the saying that girls went to college primarily to get their MRS degree—signified by a marriage proposal from a well-educated gentleman before graduation.
A successful marriage was defined by key behaviors and milestones such as a husband securing a well-paying job, buying a new family car, taking a home mortgage in the burbs, having children and grandchildren. Both husband and wife had predetermined roles to play. Husbands strived to work for the big company, measured success by promotions, brought home a paycheck to support his stay-at-home wife who cooked, tended to the children, and volunteered at the PTA. Women could be teachers and nurses but were expected to give up their careers when their first child was born.
Fast forward to today, where the definition of marriage and its gender composition have challenged the mid-twentieth century design. Marriage today is more complex and requires increased skills in communication, conflict management, and negotiation (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010). Why? Because less is automatically assumed and accepted, and more needs to be decided.
Spouses are entering marriage with higher expectations of what marriage should be and what their partner will provide toward their happiness. Many couples expect their spouse to be both best friend and soul mate. For those couples who can successfully fulfill those roles for each other, they should consider volunteering as marriage mentors to other couples who are struggling to achieve that status.
What can couples do to improve the strength and vitality of their marriage? My initial answer would be to consider marriage coaching! Ideally a couple should seek coaching before they say, “I do,” although it is never too late to invest in your marriage. Marriage coaching can help with managing expectations as well as developing strategies for building and maintaining friendship, commitment, fun, and intimacy. Although coaching can provide tools, success will be mostly influenced by the motivation to apply them.
In my marriage coaching practice, I had several couples who came with an expectation that if they could only learn some tools and skills, their marriage would improve. What happened? One couple voluntarily dropped coaching after 3-4 sessions, because as the husband said, “Although the tools are really useful, we just aren’t committed to put them to work in our marriage.” I applauded his honest answer. If either spouse is not willing to do the hard work to achieve the vision for the marriage, success will be limited or elude them all together.
Marriage is a partnership, requiring spouses to die to their selfishness in order to uplift their spouse and marriage. As I like to ask,” What are you doing that is contributing to a marriage issue?” Many spouses are surprised by the question, and as they consider their answer, they usually come to the realization that they try to argue their position with the hope of convincing their spouse to their way of thinking. When my husband and I disagree, if I do not remind myself, we remind each other of a powerful Scripture: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye” (Matthew 7:3-5, NIV). When you take the time to think about how you contributed or are contributing to an issue, you may surprise yourself how much more humble you engage in conflict resolution.
In marriage coaching, I work with couples to develop a vision, mission, and goals for their marriage that excited them. Couples who bring optimism, a willingness to develop a plan, and commitment to take action usually see their marriages thrive. Marriage coaching holds a couple accountable to develop the goals they want to work on together and move forward. It is that simple! Although the definition of marriage has been redefined in this modern age, it does not have to be complicated. Skills, tools, and coaching can take what appears complicated and make it uncomplicated.
Reference
Markham, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. (3rd. ed.). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach, consultant, and mentor with an extensive background in leadership and ministry, which provides her with the experience and relational skills to move individuals and couples to higher levels of personal awareness, effectiveness, and goal achievement. She coaches in a variety of areas including life purpose and plans, marriage, and finances.
They say, “Laughter is the best medicine.” I believe laughter is not only the best medicine for what ails you but is part of the required maintenance for a healthy and satisfying marriage. This concept was driven home during one of my coaching sessions, where a couple was trying to figure out whether they should take their dating relationship to the next level—engagement. Based on their survey, they were highly compatible in their emotional intelligence, communication, conflict resolution, spiritual views, financial stewardship, and interests. What was missing?
About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach and mentor with an extensive background in leadership and ministry, which provides her with the experience and relational skills to move individuals and couples to higher levels of personal awareness, effectiveness, and goal achievement. She coaches in a variety of areas including life purpose and plans, marriage, and finances.
Most couples plan for their perfect wedding but often overlook planning for a successful marriage. It is not uncommon for a bride and groom to spend more on their wedding day than purposefully investing in their marriage over its lifetime. Parrott and Parrott (2015) found that less than 20% of all American couples had any type of formal marriage preparation, and research showed that about half of newlyweds reported serious marital problems and had doubts whether their marriages would last. Husbands and wives enter marriage with a set of personal needs and expectations in how they will be fulfilled by their spouse. In many cases, these needs and expectations are unspoken, result from life experiences and family dynamics, and are biologically driven. Some couples are not in tune with their needs; whereas, others are apprehensive in asking for fear of rejection. A few husbands and wives have the unrealistic expectation that if their spouse really loved them, they would know what their needs were and act upon them. Since it is unlikely that most spouses read minds, I would suggest that it is never too late to schedule a quiet date, where a couple can ask powerful questions about needs and expectations.
ho had an equally stressful day, needed to go to his “man cave” for half an hour, before he could have conversation.
About the Author: Sandra Dillon is a professional coach and mentor with an extensive background in leadership and ministry which provides her with the experience and relational skills to move individuals and couples to higher levels of personal awareness and goal achievement. She coaches in a variety of areas including life purpose and plans, marriage/premarital, and finances.
When I ask couples why they are getting married or why they chose their partner, they typically reply with phrases such as “because I love her,” “he’s my best friend,” “she’ll make a great wife and mother,” and “he has a great sense of humor.” These personal attributes and feelings are all wonderful ingredients for a happy marriage. When I ask the next question, “What is the purpose of your marriage?” the answer comes in a quizzical look. Many couples have not answered this second question for themselves, having been captivated by their “in love” feelings for each other. Helmenstine (2017) claims that oxytocin and endorphins fuel feelings of love for 18 months to 4 years. When the love chemicals dissipate, what will excite and sustain your marriage?
I pray that you have fun creating a marriage mission statement, but I would suggest you do not stop there. Your statement is a living and breathing manifestation of your future dreams. Could you use an accountability partner? I suggest you share your mission statement with other couples. Find those who are equally passionate about their marriage to join you, or perhaps be a mentor to a couple who wants to take the same journey. Get together twice a year, review your mission statements, and share how you are or are not realizing your goals. Make it a double or triple date, share your successes and challenges, and be sure to ask for support.
In December 2011, I started an annual tradition to select at least three people who had the most influence on my life that year and to write them a hand-written thank-you letter explaining why they had such an impact. That year, one of my chosen few was Anthony Spagnoletti, who is the owner of an auto body repair shop in The Woodlands, Texas, who brought me to Christ. On a Friday afternoon, in June 2011, Anthony changed my life by shooing away his employees and handing off his customers to spend two hours talking to be about God and providing answers to my questions about unexplainable events that were happening in my life. When I left his office that day, all Anthony knew for sure was that he had sacrificed several hours of his valuable time to have serious conversation about God with a woman whom he had just met hours before.
40% performance differential from motivated versus unmotivated people. How does a leader get more passion? Passion is typically inspired by a dream, outrage, or extreme frustration which forces one to become an unstoppable force to create change. When you put on your ruby red eyeglasses, how filled is your passion bucket? Are you satisfied with the passion you have in life and how you are leading in your workplace and family? If you are not satisfied, what are you going to do about it? After all, it is the leader’s job to fill his own passion bucket and no one else’s. If you don’t know where to start, pick up a book of interest, go to places that stir your soul, or hang out with passionate people. Passion can be contagious! Help just one person, and you will be surprised how your passion bucket begins to fill.
Today, July 4th, Americans celebrate their country’s independence and the freedoms they enjoy as citizens of the United States of America. Although every country wrestles with its injustices and socioeconomic differences among its population, by world standards most Americans are extremely blessed with basic living necessities and luxuries. Clean, safe drinking water is available to nearly all Americans. Even the homeless can walk into a gas station bathroom, turn on the faucet, and drink water from a spout that quenches their thirst and is free of bacteria and disease. Most citizens in third-world or developing countries do not enjoy this gift, because their water supply comes from local streams and ponds that are used for drinking, bathing, cooking/washing, and sanitation.
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